In my work with college students, I have frequent opportunities to reflect on how people become who they are. Adolescents are notably in a period of constant change – physically, emotionally, spiritually, intellectually – and, beyond our first years of life, there is no period in the human lifespan of more intense identity formation.
But I’ve also noticed that the struggles of college students are often a mirror of the lessons they learned (or failed to learn) in their teenage years as they prepared for the “freedom” that the college experience uniquely brings. What typically sets students who succeed at navigating the challenges of this stage of life from those who struggle and often fail is what I call the ability of “faithful adaptation.” Simply put,
faithful adaptation is the skill of being able to navigate change in our lives in a way that reflects our most deeply-held values. It is faithful, but flexible; committed, but changing.
As I’ve reflected on this skill, I’ve noticed in particular four key aspects that help our teenagers become successful at
faithful adaptation.
(1)
They need goals . . .
It should go without saying that to be “faithful,” we must first have a purpose or direction to which we are faithful in the first place. But, far too often, we either allow our children to drift without direction or, perhaps even worse, simply drift with the overall direction of our larger culture. Followers of Christ, however, have a clear direction – “Seek first God’s Kingdom and justice” (Matthew 6:33) – and we do well to help our children center their life around this all-encompassing goal. After all, if your target is nothing, then you’re bound to hit it.
Does my child have goals that reflect our values?(2)
. . . that are flexible . . .Life changes, and nobody knows this better than teenagers. Their bodies are changing, their minds are developing, their emotions are bouncing around like a pinball machine, and sometimes we wake up as parents wondering which child will wake up with us. If our life changes, then our (more specific) goals will often have to adapt. Nowhere is this more clear than with college students, who are constantly changing majors and potential vocations as they begin to find out more about themselves and their world and God’s unique call on their lives. The students who encounter the most stress are often those who find it frightening and nearly impossible to change their direction in life.
Does my child know that it’s okay to make important changes in their life?(3)
. . . and a system of support . . .
John Donne famously wrote that “No man is an island, entire unto himself.” Teenagers intrinsically know this, which is why friendships are so important to them. But fellow teens can rarely often the depth and wisdom and committed level of support that adults can. Teenagers need people in their lives who “have been there” and can offer a sense of stability in their ever-changing world. Without such support, both faithfulness and adaptation become exponentially more difficult to sustain.
Does my child have mentoring adults in their life who can provide support?(4)
. . . that is patient and compassionate.
Sometimes, it is easy to forget what being a teenager is like. We often know the answers that our children are struggling to find and/or live into and we want to speed along the process and help them avoid as many mistakes as possible. But teenagers are teenagers, and the world they inhabit, being a world of growth and change, is one filled with mistakes, missteps, and misunderstandings. In order to provide support for teens as they learn to faithfully adapt, we must offer them patience and compassion, which show our children two things – we’re in it for the long haul, and they can trust us. These traits provide the safety net for teens to experiment, explore, and allow themselves to fall, knowing that failure is not the end but rather an opportunity to grow and, ultimately, to faithfully adapt.
Does my child know that it is okay to fail?
